Matchmaking Chaos
by Seto's Darkness
Summary: Edward’s friends are curious as to whom the popular blonde is interested in. According to our statistics, Ed likes strong, witty people with pale skin and weirdhued eyes... [EnvyEd AU]


**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything.

**Warnings: **Yaoi. Shounen-Ai. EnvyEd. Yet-another-High School AU. OOC-ness. Cliche-ness. Fluff. Some bashing? My poor attempt at humor XD;;;;;

**Authoresses' Notes:** Sorry for the delay. Announcements and explanations at my profile page :) Thanks to everybody who email-ed, PM'd, IM'd me. Special thanks to: _StarsofYaoi, Wing It, Gonrie_ and _Konoko89_ for giving suggestions, opinions and criticisms on my fics and plot bunnies :D

**Promotions: **Please join _my_ forum for Filipino yaoi-shounen-ai enthusiasts. Links are **on my profile**.

**

* * *

**

"Have you seen our target?" Winry Rockbell hissed to the person crouched beside her. She pointedly ignored the curious looks the passersby were shooting them. After all, this is a top priority mission.

"No, I haven't," Havoc snapped, eyes wildly looking for a certain _chibi_. They've planned this attack for weeks, and if only Edward wasn't so hard to figure out, they wouldn't be doing this.

"Ch, he's so small that we can't see him..." Roy muttered, already feeling embarassed that a couple of their classmates were pausing in their walks to glance at them oddly. It was Friday, the only day of their school when the lunch break was a whooping three hours. The teachers thought that it would be a great idea to place the large break so that students from different years and classes could mingle with each other.

At first, Roy didn't want to participate in anything regarding stalking somebody on his precious break, when he could've been charming some pretty girls, but when he learned that Riza and Maes were going to be here... Plus, he was a little curious about Ed's lovelife. Or his lack of a love life, more accurately.

"Ssh!" Alphonse Elric, the younger brother of their target for the day, promptly stepped on his foot. Ch, and he thought that Al was a nice kid...

"Found you!" Winry triumphantly crowed, and within a moment, they dragged a surprised Edward (who was still clutching his bookbag) towards an empty classroom.

* * *

**Matchmaking Chaos**

**Who is Edward's Perfect Match?**

**-- Envy x Edward Elric oneshot --**

* * *

His name is Edward Elric. His seventeenth birthday is coming up soon. He has a younger brother named Al. His mother died when they were young. His father was nowhere to be found. He is a sophomore at the Central Science High School. He has excellent grades, outstanding sports, well-rounded extra-curricular activities. He hates milk.

He has lots of friends, and he is very happy to have them.

Not.

Edward Elric glared at his so-called friends, but they seemed to be unaffected. After the earlier shock wore off, he was now experiencing a mixture of irritation, nervousness and fear. Irritation, because he was about to study in the library. Nervousness, because he has no bloody idea what would they do to him. Fear, because damn it, who would _not_ fear the manic look in Winry's face?!

"What is this about?!" He shouted for the tenth time, and this time, his younger brother actually answered.

"We... just want to ask a couple of questions, brother," Al said cheerfully, as though they didn't drag Ed by his arm and lock him in a dimly-lit room. Ed's abductors were surrounding the seated Edward, while Al was positioned on the teacher's desk, a laptop in front of him.

"No," Ed said stubbornly, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Please?" Al asked sweetly, while Winry was preparing her toolbox which she carried at all times. Ed winced at the thought of Winry throwing her wrenches at him.

"Pleaaaaaaaaaase?" Al wheedled, and everybody repeated the word again, in their sickliest sweet voices. "Pleaaaaaaaaase?"

Damn. He couldn't resist his brother's requests, and Roy's voice was cracking as he joined their wheedling. It sounded awful, to be brutally honest.

"All right, all right, stop that already!" Ed agreed with a huff, while the evil glints returned to his friends' eyes.

For the first time in his life, Ed felt like running the hell away.

* * *

"Okay, first question."

"Do you have any romantic feelings for anyone?"

"Like hell I'd answer that..."

"Ed, Armstrong's sparkles are waiting for you outside."

"..."

"Soooo... Do you have any romantic feelings for anyone?"

"...I don't have any..."

"...Really?"

"...Yes."

"...Really, really?"

"Yes, damn it!"

"...If you say so..."

Type, type, type...

* * *

"Which do you like better? Athletic or... non-athletic?"

"...Athletic..."

"So, strong people, huh?"

"..."

Type, type, type...

* * *

"Next!"

"So, shorty,"

"I AM NOT SHORT!"

"...Right..."

"Ahem, funny, or serious?"

"...Erm... I dunno..."

"Answer the question, or else!"

"Winry-san, please put down the wrench..."

"...Funny!"

Type, type, type...

* * *

"Do you like shorter, or longer hair?"

"..."

"Answer the question, Ed."

"...I don't have a preferences?"

"Like hell you don't!"

"Answer, or we're going to...!"

"Eeeek! Why is there milk here?! I hate milk!"

"Then, Ed, if you don't want to be force-fed by Havoc-san, please answer the question..."

"...Longer..."

"Eh, Ed? We can't hear you..."

"I said: Longer!"

Type, type, type...

* * *

"Tanned like Scar? Or pale like..."

"...Like, who?"

"...Hmm, like Envy-san?"

"Ch, who'd want such sickly-looking skin like his?!"

"...If you say so..."

"...So, which do you prefer, Ed?"

"...Pale..."

"Ehh... I thought you said..."

"Owww! Why did you have to punch me for, Ed?!"

Type, type, type...

* * *

"Do you like bullies, or pushovers?"

"Aren't those choices a bit extreme?"

"Nah, don't worry, Al, I'm sure Ed has an answer..."

"Can't I say none of the above?"

"...Are you sure about that?"

"Bullies..."

"Anou, Riza-san, you can put down the gun..."

"You have a gun?!!!!"

"Is there a problem with that?"

"Uhhhh. Just asking..."

"Good."

Type, type, type...

* * *

"Last question!"

"...Finally..."

"What eye color do you prefer for your one true love, Ed?"

"Who said that it's my one true... Erm..."

"Winry... don't threaten him yet..."

"Black, blue, red, yellow, brown...?"

"...None of the above?"

"..."

"Why are you smirking for?"

"...Nothing, nothing..."

"Al, type, weird-colored eyes..."

"Yes, yes..."

Type, type, type...

* * *

The questions were done, but Edward was still looking suspiciously at the group that was seriously discussing near the teacher's table. After all, he has no idea what were they trying to find out. Or rather, he has no idea _how_ would they use the information that they gathered about him.

After five more minutes of intense discussion, Winry and the others turned to him with scary smirks on their faces.

"According to our statistics," Here, Winry pointed to Al and his laptop, "Ed likes strong, witty guys with pale skin and weird-hued eyes."

What the... "Who said I liked guys?!"

All the eyes in the room focused to him. Then, they giggled. It was scary, actually. He never thought Riza could giggle.

"Come on, Ed, everyone knows you're gay..." Hughes pointed out with a grin.

"...I am?!" Ed looked horrified. And a bit guilty. Only a bit.

"Ha! I knew it! You're in-love with me!" Roy crowed, a triumphant finger pointing accusingly at Edward. Said blond merely raised a delicate eyebrow, a disbelieving look on his face.

"Were you even listening? Winry said strong people," Havoc said, but the guy hid behind Armstrong's bulging muscles when Roy glared at him.

Before Roy can even counter that statement, Russel added. "Heh, being pyromaniac isn't considered as "strong" you know. I mean," Russel had an impish grin on his face, "Who the hell would prefer to light a fire when you're fighting somebody? I'd sure like to beat the crap out of the person first..."

"I'm not a pyromaniac!" Roy exclaimed, "I just..." He faltered, but regained his confidence in his words soon enough, "I just like fire!"

Everybody rolled their eyes.

"Anyway! We now know who is Edward's perfect match!" Winry declared with a flourish. Ed was about to ask who the hell did they thought he liked, but Winry spared him the trouble.

"You like Envy!" Ed's childhood friend said, and everybody was watching him expectantly. Ed did his best to control the flush that crept up his cheeks.

It was a whole minute before Ed spouted off denials. "Who said I liked that anorexic bastard?! He might be good at sports, but he's a mean, know-it-all, arrogant jerk who kept picking on me and my height, and he's always sarcastic, and he looks so pale like he's sick, and he's got messy hair and he looks like a girl and... his eyes are like those of a cat's, and..."

"See?" Russel indiscreetly whispered to the person beside him, who happened to be Fury. "Envy-san qualifies perfectly!"

Any more teasing and denials was stopped when the upperclassman in question kicked down the door. If he was surprised to see teens from various levels at the classroom, he didn't say so. He simply shot them icy looks and he waltzed into his seat. The arctic countenance instantly melted, however, when he saw his favorite sophomore.

"O-chibi-san!" Envy, who wasn't wearing the school uniform again, exclaimed heartily. A vein appeared in Ed's forehead, but Envy was Envy, and making fun of Edward was his favorite pasttime.

"Stop calling me that, you jerk!" Not Edward's most hilarious comeback, but it would have to do.

"Ehh, why is Chibi in my next class?" The violet-eyed teen asked the blond, but Ed wouldn't even look at him directly. Winry didn't know why Ed wouldn't look at his perfect match, but it could be because Envy was currently wearing a skort that wasn't really hiding much...

Envy got an evil gleam in his eyes. "Is it because chibi-san missed me?" He cooed, while Havoc poorly concealed his guffaw at Ed's horrified expression. The sound jolted Envy out from his Ed-torture, and he glared at Havoc. He recognized the guy as one of his batchmates, but that didn't mean he'd be nice_r_.

"Get the hell out of here," The well-known bully and fighter evenly said, and while they would have wanted to watch the duo's interaction, Ed's abductors shuffled out of the room.

When Envy focused his cat-like eyes at Ed, he found that the teen also scrambled away from the room.

"...Ch... And I'm so close..."

* * *

Ed has just finished his Advanced Algebra class, and as he approached his meeting place with Al, he was surprised Al and Wrath talking to each other. The older blond had that gnawing feeling at the bottom of his stomach. After all, Wrath was Envy's cousin. And since what happened earlier at lunch, Ed was having _more_ trouble keeping the green-haired teen away from his thoughts.

"Al!" Ed called out, and Al turned around to face him. There were other students that came out from the building, but Ed paid no mind to the couple of approaching footsteps. Wrath also swiveled around to face him, but the raven-haired teen's eyes weren't focused on Ed.

"Ne, Ed, me and Wrath need to buy something..." Al started to say, but Ed already knew. After all, there hasn't been a time that Al did _not_ ditch Ed because of Wrath. But Ed was glad that his brother was having more friends in high school, even though it's the cousin of the school's most popular and most psychotic bully.

"Come back home before it gets too dark, okay?" Ed said instead, and Al nodded cheerfully--too cheerfully.

Wrath was now smirking at him. Ed was reminded of somebody else, whenever he saw Wrath's smirk. It looked too much like... "See ya 'round, Ed," Wrath said as goodbye, and the two younger teens made their way towards the mall.

Ed resigned himself to a lonely walk back home, when a slender hand came out of the shadows and dragged Edward towards the secluded side of the school. Ed cursed his luck; how many times must he be dragged around today?!

He immediately stopped cursing his luck, however, when he found himself kissing soft lips. Golden eyes snapped open at the sensation, but he relaxed when he saw the strands of deep green that hang around them. Ed was pushed roughly against the building's wall, but Ed allowed it, because he knew who was the person ravaging his mouth.

Al... Wrath... Winry... you sneaky bastards, Ed incoherently thought, as the green-haired teen continued to bite and kiss and suck at his lips and tongue with strength and ferocity that he was known for.

The kiss ended all too soon, and Edward locked gazes with crystal-like purple eyes.

"So," Envy said after a few minutes of regaining their breaths, "who's your perfect match?" The green-haired teen was smirking when he said this.

Ed looked hesitant at first, before a smirk that mirrored Envy's appeared. Ed was about to say words that could properly convey what he wanted to say. But then, he decided, actions speak louder than words, right?

So he leaned up and kissed Envy again.

_You're my perfect match.

* * *

_

**OWARI**

Heh, who cares about OOC:D It's Christmas time and it's fluffy! XD;;; And... was that a hinted Al x Wrath? XD Hehe, it's for you to decide :D

Anyhow, I was _finally _able to convince my mom (and more importantly, my doctor) to let me use my laptop even though I'm in the friggin' hospital :D

Thank you, everyone, for your support:)

**Please review :)**


End file.
